


Catch Me I’m Falling

by violethoure666



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben feels bad, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bonds, Sad Boy Ben, bed sharing, canon compliant through tlj, crylo, intense people with intense feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-16 06:22:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16080272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: Ben still sees Rey after Crait and it hurts.





	1. Chapter 1

_________

 

The first time he tries to prod the bond after Crait he is met with an onslaught of anger.

 

It shocks him.

 

It’s enough anger that if Rey was a padawan at Luke’s camp, he might come after her with a lightsaber.

 

He closes himself off before he crumbles under the weight of it because there is so _much_ and she’s also so, so sad and that— that is worse.

 

He doesn’t know if she will appear to him again, but the bond is clearly _there_ because sometimes he can feel her excitement and sometimes her rage and sometimes that same haunting sadness. The kind that makes his stomach roil because he _knows_ that sort of sadness.

 

His own sadness is massive, too, because he’s left with more power than his grandfather ever had and he just wants to leave it behind.

 

_How strange it is to get everything you’ve ever wanted and not want it anymore._

 

____________

 

She does appear before him, nearly two months after she shut the door on him, and he is wholly unprepared.

 

He’s tired, hasn’t slept in _days_ and his body hurts, Hux is plotting against him and he can feel the whispers of doubt about his leadership and they burrow into his skin like bot flies, nesting deep and itching.

 

So his defenses are low and he isn’t thinking when he changes into his night clothes and collapses into his bed and finds it occupied.

 

He jumps back, force summons his lightsaber just as she does the same and then a purple glow washes over them and— and she looks beautiful. Fierce and wild and rumpled from sleep.

 

He’s caught now, forced to pretend as if this were a stand off, as if he might actually hurt her. So he deliberates. It’s just that he is so tired.

 

He turns off his lightsaber and drops it to the floor.

 

“You can’t hurt me like this, anyway,” he says, and it’s a half lie because he means she can’t _physically wound him through the force_ and not that she can’t _shatter his heart into a thousand shards with that look._

 

She grits her teeth at him and her eyes are sharp when she turns her lightsaber off (she doesn’t drop it) and looks at him.

 

“So what do we do?” she asks.

 

 _Go to sleep,_ he thinks, and shivers.

 

“Wait for it to end.”

 

She nods, and sits on his bed (her bed) and her eyes are sharp. He can feel anger, bubbling up like soap under water and making her thoughts slippery.

 

He wonders if she would have killed him, if she could, and her head turns sharply toward him.

 

“Would you have killed me?” she asks, clearly able to pluck thoughts from his head. He will have to be more careful.

 

Ben considers lying, thinks the words _of course_ and then they stick to his tongue and he shakes his head.

 

_Of course not._

 

He thought it would have been obvious but— her face is one of surprise as she settles against the pillows.

 

He knows it’s not real, but it _looks_ real and she _looks_ like she’s waiting for him, in his bed, and a small spike of _want_ rises in his chest and is quickly tamped down before it takes form. He closes himself off completely.

 

Years of meditation means he can shield himself well, now that he’s trying.

 

“How long will this last?” she asks, annoyed.

 

“I don’t know,” he says honestly, “but you can stay there. I’ll sit in the chair until you’re gone.

 

Rey’s brows draw together but she doesn’t argue, and so they stay like that in silence until the pressure around him changes and he is alone again.

 

His bed is warm where her body had been.

 

__________

 

The first time Ben saw the stars streak was in the Falcon. His dad had winked at a nine year old Ben and then jumped to lightspeed and immediately he felt an overwhelming sense of _rightness._

 

Sometimes, when he was having a particularly emotional day, his longing for another life would bleed through as the stars elongated into stripes across the dark sky. He can imagine he was just a pilot, not concerned with the fate of the galaxy.

 

It’s a dangerous thought.

 

He spends more time meditating now. More time fighting too. He has all of these emotions always on the surface and he used to lean into it, allow it to rule him, but he’s worried she will feel it now.

 

Still, sometimes the only thing to calm the fire under his skin is violence.

 

He’s training hard, swinging his saber in less controlled and more chaotic movements as his loneliness creeps in.

 

Somehow it still sounds like Snoke.

 

_No one will ever love you._

_You’re a monster, and you would do well to remember it._

_You’re disgusting, you’re a creep, and you are losing the tenuous control on power than you have._

 

_Because you are weak._

 

Ben flushes and spins, lightsaber connecting with a glass display case and melting it where he slashes.

 

He hears the gasp behind him and shame creeps up to tamp down everything else.

 

He spins to face her, eyes wild, and she looks— so _sad_.

 

“You’re not disgusting,” she says, as if the words personally offended her.

 

He opens his mouth to— say what? Something, surely, but she’s gone, and he feels absolutely hollowed out.

 

__________

 

Still, the whispers follow him. Mutiny is brewing.

 

___________

 

When Ben thinks of fear, he thinks of the moment he realized he couldn’t trust anyone.

 

Before the kitchen droid tried to attack him he had felt lonely but not alone, not helpless, not distrustful.

 

He used to cry out for his parents believing they could save him, and once he knew it wasn’t true it seemed pointless to try.

 

He still did though, call out for them when the darkness was too much.

 

__________

 

He can’t sleep. He can’t stop seeing Rey’s face as she watched him destroy the weapons case. He can’t unhear her words.

 

_You’re not disgusting._

 

They shouldn’t _warm_ him from the inside out but they do, and he doesn’t know what to make of that.

 

 _Congrats, the woman you offered the galaxy to, the one who left you for dead, doesn’t think you’re_ disgusting _. Big win._

 

Ben meditates for two hours before bed, debates brewing some very strong and ancient Alderaanian tea, but can’t risk the idea of Rey finding him in that state, sweating and delirious. The tea had benefits, offered clarity, but the side effects were intense.

 

So instead he tries to clear his mind, he works on his shields, on being grounded and communing with the force and so he feels her, this time, before he opens his eyes, and he’s able to keep every thought and emotion well tucked away as he focuses on her.

 

She’s in plain clothes, but they’re clean, and her hair is down and her skin is like a bowl of peaches in cream.

 

He doesn’t say anything, because what do you say to the woman who refused you, when she is awkwardly and forcibly shoved into your bedroom.

“You seem calmer,” she says casually. She’s sitting on his bed (her bed) and watching him.

 

“I am.”

 

“Good, would be a pity to see more perfectly functional display cases meet an untimely end.”

 

Shame, again, but he knows she can’t feel it this time. He’s blank right now, face impassive as he sits in a black tank top and black pants on a mat on the floor.

 

_In another life, she’s here because she wants to be._

 

“Where are you?” he asks, because he has to say _something_.

 

“Not telling,” she says, and there’s a slight smirk to her lips.

 

“I just meant, are you in your room?”

 

Rey nods, shows him the mess of papers she’s reading. “Instructions for repairing the Falcon.” Ben’s heart does a weird thing at the mention of his father’s ship. “If you’re tired, you can come up here too. I won’t make you stay on the floor.”

 

Ben considers this, wonders if being closer to her is wise, but his body must have another idea because he’s already up and sitting on the edge of his bed.

 

He can smell her, honey and sweat and night blooming flowers.  

 

He watches her as she reads, and her face scrunches up as her mind snags on something.

 

“Maybe I can help,” he says.

 

She shrugs and shows him the papers.

 

_In another life, she asks for your help._

 

“This information is outdated,” he shakes his head. “Or— the opposite. It’s too new. The ship is six models behind this. The entire track of wiring through the shell is different.”

 

Rey eyes go wide. “That explains so much.”

 

Ben nods, shrugging, and she turns to face him.

 

“Thanks.”

 

She’s gone before he can tell her it was no trouble at all.

 

_________

 

He’s going to have to kill Hux. He just isn’t sure how he’s going to do it.

 

________

 

In his dreams, the voice eats him from the inside out, devouring bone and then muscle and then flesh, while Ben watches the shell of his body hollow out, skin peeling to sores that go all the way down.

 

He wakes up gasping, covered in sweat and with wet eyes and he can feel her.

 

She’s next to him in bed, just watching him.

 

“You’re okay,” she says softly, but she doesn’t touch him. “It’s only a dream, Ben.”

 

He closes his eyes, lies back down and tries to steady his breathing until he is sure that she is gone, and then he curls into a ball and shakes.

 

_________

 

“We will have to seize control of the planet by force,” Hux says, as if it’s been decided.

 

“No,” Ben says, tilting his head. Partly he just wants to annoy Hux but partly he doesn’t want to do more damage than what he’s done because it’s already more than he can live with.

 

“Send down another round of negotiators. End of story.”

 

He can feel Hux brimming over with hatred.

 

Good. Let him.

 

_________

 

He can’t sleep. Hasn’t slept in _days_ , he’s so wrapped up in keeping rumors in check and shielding himself and negotiations on outer rim planets that he doesn’t realize the effect Jakku will have on him until he is there and somehow— somehow he can feel Rey.

 

Her memories still in his mind, the sand biting into her hands and knees. The hunger. She’s so small, so small and so tough and so wonderful.

 

Maybe it’s because he’s thinking about her, but suddenly she’s standing next to him as he looks out of a massive viewport and into the sands of Jakku.

 

“What are you staring at?” she asks with a hint of a smile.

 

Ben turns his eyes to her, deliberate, considering. “I was thinking about you.” It’s true, and it’s also not an answer, but it seems to surprise her.

 

“I was thinking about you, too,” she admitted. “Do you think that’s why I’m here?”

 

_I can’t imagine why you are here._

 

He turns his head from her back to the window.

 

“I’m on Jakku,” he says, and he shouldn’t tell her but it doesn’t really matter, because this isn’t about First Order tactics it’s about Rey and this awful place that grew her.

 

“Oh,” she says, looking confused. “Are you—“ she swallows, “is it being destroyed?”

 

Ben takes a shuddering breath, steps closer to her.

 

“No I— we’re trying to increase rations, replace mob bosses with government officials so the distribution is mandatory I— I don’t want anyone going hungry like—“

 

_Like you did._

 

“Like I did,” she says.

 

Ben looks away, swallows. He wishes she weren’t here right now, doesn’t know what to say.

 

Suddenly, she’s closer, standing right in front of him and he has to turn his head, look down at her.

 

“Thank you.” The words are soft and watery. Her lips are so close, her eyes so bright.

 

_Want._

 

Ben nods, and Rey disappears.

 

__________

 

He’s just in sleep pants, tossing and turning when suddenly he feels the bed dip. He rolls onto his side to face her.

 

“Hi,” she says, rolling to face him as well. She’s in a light white shirt, it comes barely to mid thigh when she curls like that and in different light it might be transparent. He thinks she must be regretting the outfit choice now, but she doesn’t seem to show any discomfort.

 

“Hi,” he says, and his eyes just sort of flick down to her plump thighs and her long legs before he can drag them back up to her face which is— somehow— lovelier. _._

 

“Can’t sleep?” she asks him, leg shifting against leg as she squirms. She has no idea what that does to him, how it makes his blood shift. If she did— if she knew what he was thinking.

 

_Let me touch you._

 

“No,” he shakes his head. “You?”

 

She shakes her head also, and shrugs. Something is wrong with her— she’s hiding it. Her face is beautiful

but too thin and she has dark circles under her eyes.

 

He prods the bond, seeking _entrance_ and _understanding_ and sending _concern_ and _confusion._

 

Then it hits him— hard.

 

_Hungry. She’s hungry._

 

He sits up fast, breath catching.

 

“You’re hungry,” he says.

 

“I’m fine.” Her answer is too quick, and clearly false, and Ben feels something like a slow, small panic inside of him. He sits up and moves his hand a tray of fruit floats in from his living quarters.

 

He isn’t sure she can eat it but—

 

“Can you see it?”

 

Rey nods, and he can see the way she swallows thickly. She reaches out for a piece of bloomfruit and bites into it. She moans as the fruit explodes in her mouth and drips out the side and Ben is suddenly hard.

 

He hasn’t been hard in— a long time. Usually he meditates his erections away before they bevoke something he has to deal with. With Snoke in his head, he has never wanted to indulge.

 

He certainly hadn’t gone from zero to sixty like this in years.

 

“Eat more,” he demands, rising from bed.

 

_Don’t disappear._

 

He leaves and makes a call, demanding more food immediately and then waits for it outside of his door, willing his erection away.

 

He comes back with a plate of dried meat and bread and jam.

 

Relief floods him when he sees she’s still sitting on his bed (her bed).

 

He brings her the food. “Eat.”

 

It leaves no room for debate, and Rey is hungry enough not to argue.

 

“If you’re hungry, you have to tell me.”

 

Rey looks up at him, chewing thickly. “I _have_ to?” Her words are a little bit teasing, but Ben feels sick.

 

“Rey, please.” He lets his concern bleed through, hopes she will understand that it _hurts_ him to see her like this.

 

Rey blinks in confusion for a moment but then she nods, rips off more bread with her teeth, and Ben sighs, finally relaxing back into the pillows.

 

“Thank you,” she says, watching him, and he nods.

 

She eats all of the bread and cheese, and some of the meat, some of the fruit, and then, sleepy, she force lifts the tray onto the floor and lies down next to him.

 

“Ben,” she says and she looks like she’s going to tell him something important but then she’s gone, and Ben’s heart stutters on how much he suddenly misses her.

 

___________

 

He wakes up to the sound of sobbing.

 

He sits up quickly, eyes adjusting the dark of his room and he rolls over.

 

Rey has her back to him, and she’s shaking.

 

“Rey,” he whispers.

 

“I’m fine, just go to sleep.”

 

“You’re crying.”

 

“I’m crying and I’m fine. It happens.”

 

“Rey,” her name is a plea because the sounds of her sobs are destroying him. He lets his shields down a little bit, enveloping her in concern and his own discomfort at not being able to just— make her stop.

 

She rolls to face him, hiccups a little, and he feels an onslaught of emotions.

 

_I don’t fit in. I will always be dirty and hungry. I was left by the people who were supposed to love me. I don’t know why I’m even here. I’m so tired._

 

“Hey,” he says, and he doesn’t think, just reaches out to touch her face. He cups her jaw and his thumb swipes her cheek and she trembles under him and he feels— something else— something desperate.

 

“Your parents were scum,” he whispers, “you didn’t deserve any of that.” She closed her eyes as fresh tears fell. “Rey,” he moved a little closer, “listen to me.”

 

She opens her eyes and looks at him— expectant— and he is going to panic because doesnt have the words— can’t tell her. He lets out a trembling breath and let hers feel it instead.

 

_Brave. Strong. Capable. Fierce. Sunshine. Determination. Skill. Power. Forest eyes..._

 

Ben pulls back, blinking at her.

 

Rey isn’t crying anymore. She’s staring at him, and he realizes for the first time how truly intimate this was, his hands on her face, her body in his bed.

 

_In another life, she always comes to you when she’s sad._

 

_In another life, you fix things. You don’t make them worse._

 

Ben lets go of her slowly, but he doesn’t move away.

 

“Ben,” she says, and his stomach flips because what if she disappears— but she doesn’t.

 

“If I stay, will you hold me? It’s been—“ she laughs, “I don’t know if I’ve ever even been held.”

 

Ben’s heart is so full, it floats away.

 

He nods, and Rey turns over, so her back is facing him, and then she wiggles backward until her she is flush with his chest and warm against him and he’s kind of dizzy, but she _asked_ so he wraps his arms around her, slipping one under her head and one over her hips.

 

Rey sighs, and she melts against him, pressing closer and he noses into her hair, fingers splayed on her hip and then she’s gone, and he’s holding onto nothing, and the overwhelming emptiness consumes him again.

 

__________


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God bless Liv for being my beta and for talking me down when I couldn’t figure out what tense I was writing in and for promising that this actually makes sense and that Endor wasn’t destroyed she’s the real MVP

_________

 

She shows up most nights but doesn’t ask him to touch her again. 

 

Sometimes he wakes up with her hand on his chest, or a leg thrown over his, and occasionally he has cocooned himself around her, and he wakes flushed and embarrassed. 

 

He can smell her, and he can feel her close to him, and pulling away physically hurts -- but staying is worse, because this… this is a sort of torture. 

  
  


She left him. She closed the door. She told him no. 

 

_ This is not the life I get to live.  _

 

It would be easier if she disappeared. If he didn’t have to watch her and know he could never have her— 

 

_ What kind of cruel punishment is this?  _

  
  


She’s sleeping, and he watches her, the way her chest rises and falls under that thin shirt she sleeps in. It must be hot, wherever she is; there’s a thin sheen of sweat on her skin that he thinks about licking. 

 

Her freckles. Her  _ freckles _ , her delicate fingers, the meat of her hips. It’s too much. 

 

It will be better if he just— blocks her out. He can, if he wants to. 

___________

 

Hux bombs Florrum without consulting him. 

 

He claims lawlessness, a series of events he considered non-negotiable. 

 

Ben force slams his head into the durasteel paneling of the bridge.

 

Hux doesn’t get up. 

 

The whispers begin to quiet. 

 

__________

 

Ben uses meditation techniques he hasn’t considered since he was training to be a Jedi. 

 

He builds a shield around himself, and he withdraws. 

 

He is strong enough to block Rey out, for now, and so he does. He doesn’t want her to know what he did to Hux— he had to, Hux would have killed him. Would have turned the tide and seized control and he was counting on the idea that Ben had  _ softened.  _

 

So he had no choice, really, but he still doesn’t want Rey to feel what he felt and he doesn’t want to look at her legs and her slender wrists and her lips when he’s feeling like this, because  _ want _ is not a thing he can afford right now. 

 

So he blocks her out, and blocks her well. 

 

_______

  
  


He has seized tenuous control of the Florrum situation, negotiating with the mob bosses and creating a system that they benefit from. The key is to make it worth their while, keep them fat and happy and then regulate how it happens. 

 

He’s managed to keep Rey out for seven days. Seven nights of sleeping alone. It’s better, he was starting to crave her, to feel like she was the only thing in his life worth living for. 

 

He can’t afford that, he just can’t. So he keeps her shut out. 

 

Until he doesn’t.

  
  


He’s just spent three days down on Florrum, no sleep. He had to prove his brawn, and it’s been a series of boxing matches where he had to fight with his hands instead of weapons and he is— he is  _ so _ tired, and his hands are broken and bloody and his lip is split and his eye is swollen and he just thinks about her, like he does all the time, but he isn’t strong enough to really keep her out and suddenly she’s in front of him. 

 

_ Rage _ . He gets hit with a wave of it. She’s so angry, he staggers back. It’s so intense that he is concerned for her for a moment before realizing she’s angry  _ with him.  _

 

But it’s so  _ different _ . She isn’t disgusted with him, she isn’t scared of him, she’s— disappointed. 

 

“Rey,” he says softly. 

 

“Where have you been!” She spits the words out, advancing on him. “I tried to find you and you— you were just gone.” She’s choking on her words and she looks so mad, why is she so mad at him? 

 

He pushes his confusion toward her and she falters, finally taking in his bloodied state. 

 

“ _ Ben _ ,” she whispers, and then she’s touching him and— he wishes she wouldn’t, it hurts worse than being punched in the face, her little fingers so gentle. 

 

She pulls back, clearly sensing his discomfort. 

 

“Let me at least help you clean yourself up, and then I’ll go okay?” 

 

Ben swallows, nods, sits on his bed and force summons a medkit. 

 

Rey opens it, takes out bacta and gauze, and she begins with his hands. 

 

Hers are so much smaller than his, so rough and dry and warm. 

 

_ Want. _

 

Ben watches her, she’s delicate and deliberate and quick. She lets her fingers trace over the veins on the back of his hands. 

 

“I was worried,” she whispers, “about you. I thought maybe something happened.” 

 

“Sorry,” Ben says, feeling chastised. “I’m okay just— busy.” 

 

He can feel her irritation at this, but doesn’t know what to make of it. He sets it aside. 

 

Rey shrugs as if she doesn’t care but he can feel how angry she still is and he doesn’t know what to do. 

 

She takes his other hand and he feels her fingers tremble. 

 

“You’re upset,” he says. She raises her eyebrows and doesn’t deny it. He can  _ feel  _ it though. He cocks his head at her. “Rey.” There’s an edge of panic to his voice. He thought she would appreciate the space— why did he feel like she was so angry at him for staying away. “Why are you upset.” 

 

She shrugs and says, “It doesn’t matter.” 

 

“I didn’t— I didn’t think you would notice I was gone.”

 

She sends him a scathing look.  “Is it so unbelievable that I would worry for you? That I would—“  _ miss you.  _

 

He catches the thought and his breath hitches. She grinds her teeth and finishes wrapping his hand, and then she puts her hand on his face to check his eye. 

 

Ben can’t help the whimper that escapes, can’t stop himself from leaning toward her.

 

_ Soft. Good.  _

 

_ “ _ Sorry _ ,” _ he says, immediately embarrassed. 

 

_ No one ever touches me.  _

 

He doesn’t hide the thought well enough, and then her face softens and both of her hands are on his face, pushing his hair back. 

 

“I was so worried about you, I thought something was wrong, I didn’t think you just—  _ didn’t want to see me.” _

 

Ben isn’t thinking clearly, because her hands are cupping his jaw and because _she_ _missed him_. 

 

“I— I thought you would be glad. I didn’t think you—“ 

 

_ I didn’t think you wanted to be around me.  _

 

Rey looks on the verge of tears as she gets more bacta for his black eye and shrugs but he can feel her relief. The loop in her head of  _ he’s okay, he’s here, he’s okay.  _

 

Ben swallows thickly, brings a hand up to touch her face. 

 

“I’m okay,” he says softly. “I’m here.” 

 

Rey closes her eyes and he can see tears fall, he reaches up with his thumb to wipe them away but she’s gone. 

  
  


He doesn’t try to block her out anymore after that. 

 

__________

  
  


He’s watching her sleep. He shouldn’t. But it’s been too long since he saw her and he’s always trying not to stare at her which translates to not looking for more than a few seconds lest he get distracted, so right now, as she breathes slow and even and unaware, it seems like the best time to just— memorize her. 

 

They can’t do this forever. He knows that their connection puts her at risk more than him. If the Resistance were to find out— 

 

He doesn’t want to think about it. He should warn her, make sure she’s being careful so they don’t get caught. 

 

_ You should just end this.  _

 

Ben sighs and Rey rolls over— and onto him. 

 

Not all the way, but  _ some _ of the way. Like her thigh is flush across his crotch and her hand is on his heart and her head on his chest. 

 

He should move— this isn’t the same as waking up like this, finding her body in his sleep, but he can’t bring himself to pull away yet. 

 

He meditates an erection down, keeps that embarrassment at bay for now, and tries to steady his breathing. 

 

She scrunches up, rubbing against him and Ben is going to die. He can’t handle this— he usually untangles right away. This was a mistake. 

 

He starts to pull back but she holds on tighter. 

 

“Don’t go,” she begs him, and his heart hurts. 

 

“Rey, you’re dreaming.” 

 

“Not dreaming. Snuggling.” 

 

Ben huffs a breath that is nearly a laugh. 

 

_ Snuggling.  _

 

The last time he snuggled he was six and this is different it’s too good, too  _ right _ . 

 

“Please, you’re so warm.” She shivers a little, and her bare leg hikes up further so her calf grazes his dick, and the sole of her bare foot touches his thigh, and she is—  _ spread open.  _

 

The thought makes him arch into her a little bit. He thinks about telling her to try pants if she’s so cold— but that seems counterproductive. 

 

Instead, he worms his arm around her and holds her closer so she can nose against his neck and he can smell her hair. She sighs against him, and he feels her mouth ghost against his pulse point and his cock twitches despite the fact that he’s  _ trying  _ to will the entire organ out of existence. 

 

He can’t be sure if she’s doing it on purpose at first but she presses her lips against his neck again and again, mouth opening a little bit. 

 

“Rey,” he breaths, and he’s not sure  _ he’s  _ not dreaming. She makes a soft sound against him, ducking her head into his neck.  

 

“Sorry,” she whispers. He doesn’t say anything because  _ please don’t be sorry for what I think might have been affection but can’t be sure because I’m literally touch starved _ probably wouldn’t come across well. 

 

_ Want. _

 

He doesn’t let her go, instead traces patterns on her spine with the hand wrapped around her and he feels her tremble. 

 

She leans up to look at him and her eyes are so dark, her hair messy from sleep and— 

 

_ Love. _

 

The thought is so sharp and sudden he doesn’t know where it came from— his mind or hers. 

 

She smiles at him, and moves closer, minimizing the space between them to inches and then she’s gone. 

 

Ben lets out a breath and fists his hands in the sheets, letting his defenses drop and his cock throb to full length.

 

_________

 

He sees her more, little glimpses of her. 

 

He finds her training, sweat soaked and glistening. Her hair is pulled back and she’s in just a tank top and pants and he’s so used to seeing her legs that her chest and her shoulders look  _ obscene.  _

 

“Your form is off,” he says lightly, and she spins to face him. 

 

“Show me then.” She smiles the words at him and he half-smiles back, a little bit in awe of her. 

 

He stand behind her puts his hands on her shoulders and then slowly drags them down her arms to his sides until he has her by the hips. 

 

“Ben,” she gasps, and he can feel her heartbeat in his own body, can feel how much she wants his hands on her and he doesn’t— it doesn’t feel possible, something this good.

 

“I got you,” he whispers, and he helps her widen her stance. “There, you need to brace your weight on your left foot when you lunge.” 

 

Rey nodded, and tried the maneuver again. She landed well, and then laughed. 

 

“You really are a good teacher, Ben.” 

 

Ben warms inside at her words. 

  
  


____________

  
  


Ben is exhausted. Physically and emotionally and he’s looking forward to the possibility that Rey might come to him tonight, soft and warm and put her hands on his skin. 

 

The mere idea makes him smile, he’s so gone. 

 

The voice in his head is sharp. 

 

_ There is only pain waiting down this path. She doesn’t love you.  _

 

But then, also...

 

_ Maybe she does.  _

 

Ben could choke on the taste of hope. 

 

She does come, materializes in his room and he almost smiles at her before he realized she is sobbing, and frantic. 

 

He is on her instantly, his hands on her arms, smoothing her skin. 

 

“What happened?” 

 

“They know. They know I can talk to you— I— I am so sorry. Finn caught me talking to you and I thought— I thought he would understand but he was  _ so _ mad Ben, so mad and he told everyone and they—“ 

 

She broke off, sobbing. 

 

“Did they hurt you?” he growled, his fingers tightening on her. His rage bled over and she gasped, shaking her head. 

 

“No! No Ben, they asked me to spy on you and I agreed of course but I— I would  _ never, _ ” she shook violently and he didn’t think, just pulled her to his chest. He could feel the spectrum of her emotions and it was enough to drown in. “I can’t stand the idea of you thinking I would ever— I wouldn’t do that to you, okay? I would never use  _ this _ against you.”

 

And she means it. He can feel it.

 

“You need to get out,” he said, pulling back. “You need to come to me.” 

 

It occurs to him that his coordinates might be all she is after and he paused. 

 

Rey felt his hesitation and began to sob. Guilt swamped him. 

 

“Sorry, no. I know.” He shakes his head and cups her face. “I know. I trust you. We can’t meet here anyway— I— it’s too risky. I know a place, okay? Steal a ship. Come as fast as you can.” 

 

He whispers the coordinates into her ear, lets his lips drag against her skin, feels her shiver. 

 

She pulls back and nods at him, and then she runs.

 

__________

  
  


Ben leaves without much question. He takes a TIE fighter, disables all trackers and flies to Endor where he cloaks it in a thick copse of trees near the cabin.

 

And he waits. 

 

Rey arrives later in a ship that’s more rust than metal. How she flew it all this way, he has no idea, but suddenly she’s here, and he has no idea what to say. 

 

She doesn’t say anything as she exits, but she looks more put together. Her hair is down and her eyes are lined and her lips are plump from crying. 

 

“Hi,” he says. 

 

“Hi,” she says.

 

It’s clear that neither of them have any idea what to do, but Rey looks at the cabin and says, “What is this place?” 

 

“It was— it was my parents. They built it. I was actually convinced on this planet.” 

 

“In this cabin?” 

 

Ben chuckles.

 

“No. On the Falcon.”

 

Rey’s eyes bug out and she stifles a laugh with her hand and then promptly starts crying. 

 

“Hey,” he said, and he drops to his knees in front of her. “Rey, sweetheart, don’t cry.” 

 

He feels her heart swell at his endearment and it’s so much sharper like this, their connection, he can hear the blood in her ears. Two heartbeats. 

 

This place makes it stronger.

 

Rey touches his hair and he holds her, prostrate below her until she stops shaking, and then he stands leads her inside. 

 

He wants to kiss her, but he has no idea how, or if that’s okay. 

 

It’s cold and a storm is coming, and it’s already getting darker, so instead he brings her inside. 

 

He has maintained this as an emergency hideout. There are portions and water and leaves for tea, as well as some canned food, some liquors, caf, a holopad. 

 

The cabin itself is rustic but comfy, there are blankets folded on the couch. There’s only one bedroom, with a big bed and dark curtains, and it’s stripped bare for now. 

 

Ben opens all the drapes, lets the light in. It’s cold inside too, but he’s flush and warm from being close to her. He turns to Rey. 

 

“Tea? Caf?”

 

“Caf,” she rasps, and she’s only sort of not crying.

 

Ben starts boiling water while Rey disappears into the bedroom, putting sheets and blankets on the bed.

 

She comes back with her eyes clear and hair in her face and she is breathtaking. Ben stops dead, hand frozen on a packet of instant caf and stares. 

 

She catches him, and he blushes, finished pouring and brings her the cup. He sits next to her on the couch. 

 

“Thanks,” she says. 

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

 

Rey shrugs. “I defected, essentially. I left the resistance to meet the Supreme Leader of the First Order. I’ve only known those people a few months, Ben, what if they try to kill me?” 

 

“It won’t happen, you’re safe with me.” 

 

He is sure of this, and his confidence obviously seeps into her because she relaxes, then tenses again. 

 

“I can’t— I won’t rule with you,” she sits up straight on the couch, and fresh tears are spilling over. “I can’t just murder people like that Ben, I— I won’t.” 

 

“I killed Hux.” 

 

It isn’t what he meant to tell her, and her face contorts. She doesn’t know how to feel about this and he catches her confusion before she asks him why. 

 

“He wiped out a city on Florrum after I had been negotiating  _ so carefully _ and I just,” Ben shrugs and waves his hand, and they both hear the crunch he remembers from when Hux’s head hit the wall. “I’ve been trying to—“ Ben doesn’t know how to say this. “I’ve been trying to do things differently. Rey I think I can help people and I— I need you to understand. Without Snoke in my head,” he taps his skull for emphasis, “everything is so different. I—“ 

 

He stops, swallows, and then both their heads turn as thunder erupts outside. Rey gasps, and her hand fists in the couch cushion.

 

“What was that,” she says, panicked, and Ben laughs. A real laugh. He can’t help it, and he can’t stop. It’s just. It’s so cute. 

 

“Thunder. A rainstorm is coming.” 

 

He can hear her wonder, the words  _ his laugh.  _ “I’ve never seen a storm,” she tells him, and she’s smiling.

 

Ben catches his breath, mouth still leaning toward a smile, and nods. “You’re about to.” 

 

Rey’s eyes light up and she rushes to the front door, still holding her caf. He follows her onto the little covered porch as lightning cracks and thunder follows. 

 

The sky opens up and rain surrounds them and Rey is absolutely thrilled. He can feel her delight and it’s infectious, childlike and wonderful and  _ this is why he keeps laughing,  _ it’s  _ her _ giddiness.

 

She leans over the little rail of the porch and sticks her hands into the water and squeaks. 

 

“It’s cold,” she says, and Ben slides in next to her and touches the rain too. 

 

Rey turns to him, and he worries for a moment that she’s going to disappear before remembering  _ she’s real, she’s here.  _

 

_ “ _ I’m real,” she whispers, “I’m here.” 

 

Ben doesn’t know what to say, but it turns out he doesn’t have to say anything because before he can even think, she’s sliding up against him and her hands are back on his face and she’s kissing him. 

 

Ben is so surprised that he huffs against her a little bit before opening his mouth. 

 

He kisses her back, sloppy,  _ wrong  _ for sure, but eager and she makes a  _ sound  _ against him and he doesn’t know what to do but his hands want to  _ touch  _ so they do. 

 

He grabs her hips and pulls her closer and his mouth moves frantically and he’s spiraling down into her until thunder claps and they pull apart. 

 

She’s looking at him kind of like she always does but also a little differently and he should tell her that he loves her, that they can just stay here and hide if it’s what she wants, but he doesn’t have the words so he lets the feelings cascade down from him into her and he watches her shake. 

 

“ _ Want _ ,” she says, and her voice is low and Ben cannot imagine  _ why _ she wants him at all but it doesn’t change the fact that— 

 

“I am yours,” he tells her.

 

She kisses him again crowding his body and pushing him back toward the door, every gasping breath he takes tastes like rain and Rey as he allows her to lead him back inside.

 

“Ben,” she whispers, and he can  _ feel _ her desire for him. He staggers under the weight of it, pulling back to blink his stinging eyes.

 

_ You deserve better, I’m a mess, I killed my father, I’ve done horrible things and I am being consumed by the fire of my regret. I’m disgusting— _

 

_ “ _ You are not disgusting,” she says, such determination in her voice. “Ben, look at me.”

 

He can’t, he is panicking, she’s really here and he has nothing left to offer her— 

 

“Baby,” she cages his body back against the couch, so she’s flush against him, and her hands are back in his hair. “Ben, all I want is you. That’s it, please, all I want—“ 

 

She kisses him, mouth insistent and her desire is his desire and her love is his love and her heart is his heart.  He digs his fingers into her hips and she pushes his shoulders— pushes him away, down, until he’s sitting on the couch and she crouches down on the floor between his legs. 

 

Ben gets a little light headed, looking at her like this, and then her hands are scrambling over him, unhooking the clasp of his pants and he makes an embarrassing sounds, fists the couch cushions below him. 

 

_ She’s gonna touch your dick.  _

 

“I definitely am,” Rey says around a smile. 

 

“Kriff.” He touches her hair, softly, tangling his fingers in it and he feels the twinge in her stomach and his cock throbs. 

 

“This is wild,” she says, “I can feel you so clearly like this, like I’m feeling us both.” 

 

“I know,” he said, “the planet is magnifying the connect— ah!” 

 

Rey slipped her hand down the front of his pants, cupping his length. 

 

“Oh,” he said, and he bit his lip. He had to fight the urge to will his erection away. 

 

_ Embarrassing. Bad. Gross.  _

 

Ben whimpered and let his head fall back, trying to shut his thoughts out. 

 

_ Beautiful. Good. Mine. _

 

_ Want.  _

 

They aren’t his thoughts, and his breath is ragged as he tilts his head to look at Rey. 

 

His eyes sting. 

 

_ Want. _

 

Rey tips her body up to kiss him as she pulls at his pants. He lifts his hips to help her and they managed to get them off while they’re kissing, so they’re scrunched up around his ankles. 

 

He has no idea what to do, but she’s so warm and soft and he just wants to keep touching her, and he knows exactly where he wants her to touch him and he does. 

 

Her little hand wraps around him, tentative and dry and perfect. 

 

“Is this right?” she asks, face scrunching up. Her touch is too light, too dry, and Ben twitches his fingers and a small bottle of palm oil floats in from the kitchen. 

 

“Use a little of this,” he says, “and then, tighter— you won’t hurt me I promise.” 

 

Rey takes the oil and puts a bit in her hand, and then she’s back on him, and she squeezes. 

 

“Shit,” he breathes, hips rising to meet her fist and slide into it. He cups her face, looks down at her. 

 

Her hand is pale on his cock, which is swollen and red, thick with blood rushing under the skin. The sight alone is better than anything he’s ever experienced and also he can  _ feel _ so he’s not sure he’s gonna survive.

 

Rey looks pleased with herself as she begins to work him up and down and she knows what to do because he’s thinking it at her. 

 

_ Tighter. Twist on the head. Use your thumb there— right there.  _

 

And then she leans down and she  _ licks him _ . The flat of her tongue pressing the underside of his cock right along the thickest vein and he grunts, only has time to think  _ oh shit  _ before he’s cumming. 

 

He feels his face scrunch up and hears the grunts falling from his mouth. His hand is still in her hair when she pulls back in surprise, eyes wide and he can feel a hint of her thoughts like  _ whoa  _ and  _ weird  _ and  _ hot.  _

 

His cum globs on her neck and drips down onto her plain tunic and he thinks  _ mine  _ in a furious sort of way before the tide recedes and he panics. 

 

“Kriff, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to— I didn’t—“

 

Rey looks down at herself and touches her neck, fingers dragging through his spend and she brings it to her _kriffing_ _mouth_ and tastes him.

 

_ Ben. Mine. Want.  _

 

Her eyes widen and she looks down at herself, reaches for the hem of her tunic and pulls it up over her head. 

 

Ben’s eyes go wide. She has a breast band around her chest and she shucks that too, unraveling the gauze and letting her pert little tits bob free. 

 

He’s lost in this, drowning in this. “You’re so pretty.”

 

Ben hardly ever thinks about  _ pretty _ but Rey is so much of it that it feels like the thought is too big. It shouldn’t exist.

 

“Do you wanna touch me?” She actually sound shy, unsure. 

 

Ben moves fast, too fast, since his pants are still around his ankles and he has to kick them off before he’s pulling Rey up onto the couch. She has no top and he no pants and they both should be— 

 

“Naked,” she whispers, and he nods, shedding layers quickly until they’re both only skin and racing hearts. 

 

Rey has her legs tight together so he can’t see her and it’s really not okay because he needs to  _ know her _ in this way and so he prods her for permission before gripping her hips and pulling her legs into his lap. 

 

Rey laughs as she props herself up with one arm on the couch and the comes up to touch his hair as he spreads her legs open in front of him. 

 

He can smell her and his mouth waters. 

 

_ Wet. Hot. Good.  _

 

She’s sideways on him, his cock is pressed against the very top of her thigh where it meets her ass and he can lean down and really look at her, and he spreads her folds, memorizing the shades of pink. 

 

_ Springtime on Chandrila. _

 

Ben runs a fingers across her and watches her stomach muscles ripple and her thighs shake. He teases the hole he finds, and draws the rough pad of his fingers up until she jerks in arms and he feels  _ electric.  _

 

He rubs that spot again, and again, and watches her body pull tight as if she were a puppet on strings and the puppeteer was a drunk. 

 

Her little face and chest flush red, hiding her freckles momentarily and her teeth grit and she is just  _ looking _ at him, and he can feel how watching him is getting her off. 

 

He keeps one finger where she needs it and brings another lower to slip inside of her, stretching her easily and she sighs, has to blink a few times as her eyes get dark and glassy.

 

_ More. _

 

He slides another finger into her and she shifts against him, he wraps his arm around the thigh closest to him and holds her steady, pumping two fingers in and out of her body, the wet sounds filling the little room. 

 

He bends his fingers up while trying to pull her a little closer and they both gasp. 

 

_ Again.  _

 

He curls them, up to press the front of her pelvic wall and she crunches in on herself before her forearm drops and she’s boneless, head against the couch. 

 

_ It’s never felt like this,  _ she thinks. 

 

_ Because you were made for me to unlock,  _ he sends back. 

 

She starts panting heavily, and he’s relentless, he can feel exactly where she wants and exactly what she can take and he gives it to her until she’s making obscene little noises and digging her nails into his leg and his neck as she holds onto him. 

 

She’s close, he can feel it, and he pushes past whatever barrier is holding her back and her body twitches, eyes wide as dinner plates. 

 

He catches something like _oh shit_ _this is new_ and then she’s gushing on him. Hot liquid pulses out of her body and drips onto his hand, making the sounds even more grotesque in the little room. Little wet drops of cum fly off of his fingers and onto the couch and it makes him want to soak every surface in this cabin with their fluids. 

 

He growls, leaning down over her to kiss her as she starts to whimper, dry sobs racking her chest. 

 

“Beautiful,” he breaths into her neck, and she clutches him. 

 

_ Bed.  _

 

He slides his arm under her knees and carries her into the bedroom, setting her down gently and then ducking his head to taste the mess she made. 

 

A voice in his head tells him he should be embarrassed by this behavior and he blocks it out, uncaring. 

 

_ I could die like this. _

 

Rey giggles, laughing at his inner monologue before he distracts her, licking her clean and tonguing over the sensitive bundle of nerves, and she moans instead. 

 

_ Inside,  _ she thinks at him. 

 

Ben kisses up her body. He’s lazy like this, could spend an hour on each spot, tasting and learning, but Rey’s eagerness is filtering into his system and it makes him move quickly. 

 

He kisses her mouth, wet and hot as he slides his body against hers. 

 

His dick is so hard, it catches against the folds of her body and her arousal slicks him up. He rocks against her, suddenly and irrationally terrified of hurting her, of breaking or taking something not meant for him. 

 

_ You don’t get things this good.  _

 

“Baby,” she whispers against his ear, and she pushes his shoulder, rolls them over. She straddles his hips, rubbing herself along him he makes a strangled sound, lips pulling up over his teeth. She touches his face. 

 

_ Beautiful,  _ she thinks.  _ Strong, safe, home.  _

 

_ Want. Want. Want. _

 

Ben shivers as her hand reaches back and finds his cock, lines him up against her, raising her hips with her hand on his chest for leverage. 

 

She looks down to angle him and then back at his face once the head of his cock is nestled against her cunt, cupping his jaw. She nods, and starts to slide down his body, taking him inside of her slow— so slow— and so kriffing  _ tight.  _

 

“Does it hurt?” he asks, watching the way she swallows him, takes him into the dark heat of her body. She shakes her head,  _ no no, feel,  _ and lets the strange sensation bleed over to him he sends her more  _ tight and hot and good _ and they both gasp. 

 

His hands hold her hips as she slowly lowers herself down, down until— she inhales sharply as he bottoms out and Ben’s vision swims. She leans down and presses kisses against his neck, the side of his nose. 

 

_ I love your moles. _

 

He flushes, and then she starts moving over him and he makes an embarrassing and high pitched sound and blushes deeper, but it feels  _ so good.  _

 

She’s tight around him and she looks so surprised, like she can’t believe this is happening. 

 

Ben feels her, uses her senses to guide him back against that spot inside of her and he tries to hit it over and over and over. 

 

His fingers work her body where she’s joined to him, finding the little button that makes her electric and pressing it. 

 

He’s trying desperately to hold on, but he knows it useless. 

 

_ Rey _ .  _ Stay here with me. _

 

She echos _ ; With you. _

 

Ben grunts, working faster. She’s right there with him, he can feel it. She leans down and kisses him, holds his face in her hand as her body springs tight and uncoils, pussy clenching around him wildly, milking him. He doesn’t fight it, holds onto her tightly as his his orgasm rushes through his body, fingers and toes going numb. 

 

He sobs, and she holds him to her neck. He’s crying, he doesn’t care. 

 

_ Ben, my Ben, I’m here. We’re here. We’re okay.  _

 

He holds onto her as he comes down, trembling, and she fits into him so perfectly. 

 

_ I won’t go back either, _ he thinks to her. 

 

_ Whatever we do now, we do it together.  _

 

He pulls her onto his chest and reminds himself again, she’s real, she’s here, and he closes his eyes and lets sleep take him. 

 

For the first time in a long time, it’s dreamless and peaceful.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please validate me aaaaaa I feel weird about this story *shrug emoji*

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have like 5 other things to write but, writing isn’t linear and I had to get this out and surprise, it will be in two parts. 
> 
> Please tell me if you liked it. 
> 
> If you don't already, follow me on [tumblr](http://r-e-a-l-m-a-t-h.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/violethoure666)


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